Selected Onion Headlines:
Image Of Jack Skellington With Particularly Wicked Smile Suggests T-Shirt Wearer Not Your Typical Disney Fan
Man Struggling To Accept Fact That He’ll Never Move Beyond Medium Salsa
NASA Says Presence Of Diving Board On Mars Confirms Planet May Have Once Contained Water
New Evidence Reveals Ancient Greeks Immediately Regretted Inventing Theater
Kinky Couple Has Mirror In Bathroom
Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement
Doll Real Estate Agent Glosses Over Giant Hinged Opening In Middle Of House
Red Lobster Criticized For Decimating Biscuit Populations Along Cheddar Bay
Man Who’s About To Cry Bursts Out Of Crowded Room Like He’s Transforming Into A Werewolf
Report: Still Too Early To Tell If Pulling Chain Turned Overhead Fan Off
'Seinfeld’ Producers Reveal They Originally Planned To Kill Off Jerry In The Pilot
Campbell’s Unveils One Big, Can-Sized Noodle
Woman Knows Husband Just Acting Affectionate Because He Wants Food
Experts Confirm Doritos Bag Developed Bright, Distinctive Coloring To Warn Potential Predators That It Could Kill Them
Man Spends Whole Day Dreading Fun Activity He Signed Up For
Chuck E. Cheese’s Pit Boss Tells Floor Attendant To Keep An Eye On Guest Winning Big At Skee-Ball
Old, Wizened Fantasy Character Confirms That The Darkness Is Rising
Manager Of Combination Taco Bell/KFC Secretly Considers It Mostly A Taco Bell
Tom Hanks Vows He Won’t Stop Until He Has Portrayed Every Last American
Researchers Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity
‘Take This Grape For It Is The Witch’s Eye, Take This Spaghetti For It Is The Witch’s Brain,’ Says Pope Francis During Halloween-Themed Communion
Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of His Life
Bush Administration Reunites On Zoom For Table Read Of National Intelligence Brief Used To Justify Iraq War
PETA Quietly Testing ‘Coronavirus Is A Living Thing’ Ad Spots In Few Small Markets
Religious Conservatives Argue Adam And Eve Would Never Have Been Banished From Eden If They’d Had Guns
Dark, Sinister Underbelly Of Small Suburban Town Turns Out To Just Be Heroin Again
WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces
Report: Fighting Rising Ride Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work
Pelosi Concerned Outspoken Progressive Flank Of Party Could Harm Democrats’ Reputation As Ineffectual Cowards
Inconsolable Jeff Sessions Tries To Commit Suicide By Smoking Joint
New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter
Health Insurance Lobbyist Tears Up After Realizing Dianne Feinstein No Longer Recognizes His Face
Report: 87% Of Goldman Sachs Employees Began Job With Plans To Take Down Company From Inside
Warden Figures Week In Solitary Ought To Teach Inmate Not To Be Schizophrenic
MTA Reminds New Yorkers They Can Fucking Walk
CNN Under Fire For Failing To Disclose Pro-Iran War Panelist Actually Raytheon DeepStrike Missile
Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious
Teacher In Cash-Strapped Ohio School District Forced To Make Do With Centuries-Old Firearms
Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein
Trump Inspires Thousands Of Kids To Believe They Could One Day Grow Up To Be President Of Confederacy
Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime Among Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence
Townsfolk Declare We All Decent Folks Around These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble
Cat Too Evil To Pet, Too Soft Not To
Swans In Committed Relationship Barely Ever Arch Necks Into Heart Shape Anymore
Real-Life Van Helsing Runs Over Kid In Vampire Costume
Experts Say Earliest Warning Signs Of Mental Health Issues Usually Crossing Eyes While Dribbling Finger On Lips, Saying ‘Cuckoo, Cuckoo’
Barbaric Fifth Grader Gouges Paper Onto Binder Ring Without So Much As Hole Punch
Fish Species Not Seen Since 1960s Thinks It Can Waltz Back Into Marine Biologist’s Life Just Like That
FDA Confirms Psilocybin Reduces Risk Of Mindlessly Following Society’s Rules Like Fucking Lemming
Tragedy Mask Clearly Jealous Of Comedy Mask
New Even Bleaker ‘Joker’ Reboot Features Elderly Comic Book Villain Struggling To Care For Wife After Stroke
Family Wishes Dad Could Find Healthier Way To Express Emotions Than Bursting Into Full-Blown Musical Number
Sweating CornNuts VP Stammers Way Through Pitch For ‘Nutsarito’ At Taco Bell
Man Fears He May Never Trust Again After Treasured Picture Of Duck Turns Out To Be Rabbit
Nintendo Reveals ‘Smash Bros. Ultimate’ Will Allow Characters To Repeatedly Punch Self In Face To Freak Out Opponent
Hostages’ Eyes Glazing Over Halfway Through Serial Killer’s Explanation Of Complex Game They Going To Play
Audiobook Narrator Really Going For Broke With Cajun Accent
Orlando Locals Fear Town Starting To Become Overrun By Tourists
Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism
God Excited He Only Two Mortgage Payments Away From Owning Heaven
Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die
Video:
OFS: Pet Sematary (script)
OFS: Christopher Robin (script)
OFS: Wonder Woman 1984 (script)
OFS: Mulan (script)
Good Taste: A Quick And Simple Drywall Recipe That Kids With Pica Will Love (headline)
How Much Credit Does The Sitting President Deserve For The Tides? (headline)
NOW: Man Keeps Memory Of Dead Teen Alive By Making Her Center Of Elaborate Political Conspiracy Theory (headline)
ACLU Explains How Some Of Record-Breaking Fundraising Will Go To Defending Weirdos’ Right To Have Sex With Trees (headline)
Social Headlines:
“The Topical” Podcast Headlines:
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
Study Finds Couples Who Live With Mouldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex
Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do
Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line
Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October